


Little Talks

by orphan_account



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Angst With A Bittersweet Ending, Black Paladin Allura, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Mental Breakdown, Post-Season 2, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-10
Updated: 2017-03-10
Packaged: 2018-10-02 06:53:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,612
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10211990
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Allura has a hard time missing Shiro and dealing with the guilt of leaving him behind, not knowing if he’s alive or dead.Inspired by the Of Monsters And Men song.





	

**Author's Note:**

> idk I thought this song suited Allura. Also I didn’t mean for it to get as angsty as it is, but I have been dealing with depression so it just kinda… turned out this way. Read the tags for content warnings.
> 
> Here's the song it's inspired by: youtube.com/watch?v=IY8rOSyR5Rw
> 
> (Edit 4/19: I have decided to orphan this work because I was in a pretty bad place when I wrote this. I am trying to get better, but when I see this work on my works page it keeps reminding me of where I was and honestly it's kind of bothering me and holding me back from recovering.)

Allura wandered down the quiet hallways of the castle. The castle, which was once lively with parties and diplomatic meetings and the like, suddenly felt large and empty when she found out about the destruction of Altea and the deaths of almost everyone she ever knew and loved. From that emptiness, however, there came new paladins and a new kind of Voltron. This new team was smaller and more intimate, and yet it had its own unique kind of warmth. They were happy together. They were starting to become a _family_.  
  
And then _that day_ happened.  
  
Allura shivered, even though it wasn’t cold, and pulled her robe tighter around her. Ever since _that day_ , she has had trouble falling asleep at night. One moment he was there, and the next moment he was gone.  
  
She should have checked to make sure everyone was in the castle before opening the wormhole.  
  
She should have made sure she could hear everyone’s voice before leaving.  
  
She shouldn’t have left him out there to be killed or worse.  
  
She should have...  
  
Allura walked faster, trying to outrun the thoughts that invaded her mind. Something tugged at her to go to the Black Lion’s hangar, but she ignored it and wandered around aimlessly, going anywhere else. These days, she only went into the Black Lion’s hangar when it was time to form Voltron and would leave immediately after returning.  
  
As she approached the training deck, she noticed that the lights were on and she could hear the sounds of someone training.  
  
_It couldn’t be._  
  
Allura quickened her pace until she was outright running. She slammed the button to open the door and practically threw herself into the training deck.  
  
“Shiro!”  
  
Keith stared at her wide-eyed, bayard activated in his shaking hand. He had dark bags under his eyes, no doubt from repeatedly pushing himself until he collapsed on the training deck’s floor. Unhealthy as it was, it was his way of grieving Shiro’s absence.  
  
“Princess. Shiro’s… Shiro’s not…”  
  
“Right.”  
  
Allura vaguely wondered how long it had been since she had last seen Keith. She spent most of her time hidden away in her quarters with barely the energy to get out of bed. Her isolation had caused her to drift away from her team, even from Coran. They were beginning to feel like strangers to her, and it was affecting their teamwork.  
  
Allura found whatever strength she had to stand up straight and put on a brave face.  
  
“Carry on.”  
  
She left as quickly as she could and ran to the one of the ship’s observation decks.  
  
Once she was sure she was alone, she let herself break down.  
  
Or at least she tried to.  
  
She wanted to cry, she wanted to let her emotions out, but nothing came. Instead, they overpowered her, making her feel nauseous and pressing down on her heart. She clawed at her chest, almost as if in an attempt to stop the beating and end the pain.  
  
And yet, she still couldn’t cry, nor could she stop the racing thoughts.  
  
_You left him behind._  
  
_You abandoned him._  
  
_He would never abandon you._  
  
_He came back for you._  
  
_You left him to die._  
  
_You don’t deserve him._  
  
_You don’t deserve to be a leader._  
  
Allura could hear screaming. She looked around to see who had entered the room before realizing that the screams were coming from her.  
  
She had to leave. The vastness of space was crushing her under its weight.  
  
_You abandoned him in the void._  
  
She ran without even paying attention to where her feet were taking her.  
  
_You couldn’t save the original paladins and you didn’t save Shiro._  
  
Suddenly, she realized that she had run into the Black Lion’s hangar.  
  
_You are no paladin._  
  
Her stomach churned and her entire body shook as she slowly climbed into the pilot’s seat.  
  
_You don’t deserve to call yourself a princess._  
  
Allura ran her hand over the controls until it reached where she kept the black bayard. She picked it up to look at it. A strange feeling crept into the back of her head, similar to the one that tugged at her to go to the Black Lion in the first place.  
  
_It should have been Shiro who lived and you who died._  
  
She thought about Shiro fighting with his metal arm. Even without the black bayard, Shiro was a strong ally.  
  
_Shiro was always the better leader._  
  
She thought about how good of a pilot Shiro was. He kept the team together. He lead them through battles. He sat in this very seat as he did so. And now he is gone.  
  
_You are worthless._  
  
Allura couldn’t keep the thoughts from attacking.  
  
_You don’t deserve to live._  
  
She just wanted to be with Shiro. His presence alone could chase these thoughts away. The way he looked at her as though she was his whole universe. The way his strong arms looked like they would fit perfectly around her body. The way that he could make her laugh so easily. The way he smiled at her. The way he made her feel like she could do anything.  
  
But he was gone now. He disappeared. Vanished.  
  
_There’s only one way to see him again now._  
  
Allura activated the black bayard. _Shiro’s_ bayard. She took a deep breath.  
  
_Alive_.  
  
This new thought didn’t sound like the thoughts that have been plaguing her since _that day_. This was different.  
  
_Shiro is alive._  
  
The Black Lion.  
  
It was the Black Lion who was communicating with her.  
  
Of course the Black Lion would know where Shiro is. She was still bonded to him, after all.  
  
The black bayard fell to the floor with a clang. Allura’s breath came in ragged gasps, almost hyperventilating.  
  
_He is in the custody of the Galra, but he is alive._  
  
“Princess!” a voice called.  
  
Allura’s legs felt like jello, but she held on to the lion as she stumbled down the ramp.  
  
“I’m over here, Coran.”  
  
Coran ran over and wrapped a supportive arm around her, helping her take the final few steps off of the ramp.  
  
“Are you alright, princess? I’ve been looking everywhere for you! Keith came to me and said that you were acting strange.”  
  
Allura opened her mouth to say that she was alright, but instead of words there came loud sobs - the tears that she could not get out earlier. Coran held her close and let her cry into his chest, gently stroking her hair.  
  
After a very long time, her sobs became quieter and she was finally able to talk again.  
  
“Coran, I miss him.”  
  
“I know, princess.”  
  
“I-… I love him.”  
  
“I know, princess.”  
  
“I failed him.”  
  
“No.” Coran pushed her back so he could look into her eyes.  
  
“You did not fail him.”  
  
“But I left him. I left him alone with the Galra.”  
  
“You made the decision that was best for the team. The castle was badly damaged from the attack and everyone was worn out from the battle. The Galra had recovered power to their ship and were launching their counterattack. There is no way we could’ve won a second battle. We had to get out of there. You did not know that Shiro was not in his lion. You did not fail anyone. You made the right decision under the circumstances.”  
  
“But… he came back for me.”  
  
“And we will go back for him. But we cannot charge in and get ourselves killed. We are no help to anyone dead. We need to be smart and come up with a plan.”  
  
“But… But I-“  
  
“We need you, princess. _I_ need you.”  
  
Allura sniffled. After all these years, after everything that’s changed, Coran has always been there for her, like a second father.  
  
“Come, now, let’s get you to bed. I think you’ll feel better after some sleep.”  
  
Coran walked Allura back to her quarters and tucked her into her bed.  
  
“Coran?”  
  
“Yes princess?”  
  
“He’s alive. I could feel it when I was sitting in the pilot’s seat of the Black Lion.”  
  
Coran gently brushed Allura’s hair out of her eyes.  
  
“We’ll find him, princess. Get some sleep.”  
  
It didn’t take long for Allura to drift off.  


* * *

  
  
She was sitting in an open field that was filled with all sorts of colorful flowers. Shiro was laying on her right, and the Black Lion was behind them, protectively hovering over them both.  
  
Allura looked down. She noticed that his right side was injured and bleeding.  
  
“Shiro! You’re hurt!”  
  
“It’s nothing, princess.”  
  
“We need to find some help!” Allura started to get up but Shiro grabbed her arm and pulled her back down.  
  
“Wait! Please, just stay with me, even if only for a little while.”  
  
Allura hesitated. She laid down next to him and put her head on his chest. She could hear the beating of his heart. Shiro wrapped his left arm around her and held her close.  
  
“I miss you,” Shiro whispered.  
  
“I miss you too,” Allura whispered back.  
  
“I miss our little talks.”  
  
Allura turned her head to look up at Shiro.  
  
“We’re going to find you. And we’re going to rescue you. And then we can have as many little talks as you want.”  
  
Shiro pulled Allura even closer.  
  
“Thinking about you is what keeps me going.”  
  
“Shiro, I-… I love you.”  
  
“I love you too, princess.”  
  
Allura rested her head back on Shiro’s chest and listened to his breathing and his heartbeat.  
  
It almost felt real.  
  
As her dream drifted further and further away from her, she could still feel Shiro’s arm wrapped around her and hear the thumping of his heart.  
  
“I will find you, my paladin.”


End file.
